Chronologik
New Member
Self-Proclaimed Genius
Posts: 13
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My Lady
Jun 26, 2011 15:24:18 GMT -5
Post by Chronologik on Jun 26, 2011 15:24:18 GMT -5
I wrote this one late last night. Some parts feel a bit forced to me, but I decided to go through with it anyways because I feel I should get off my ass and start writing more. Critique would still be greatly appreciated. My lady
My lady lusts for greener pastures,
but I? Content with yellow hay.
My lady loves those bright bold paintings,
yet I make drawings charcoal grey.
She dreams of lively summer daylight
But I prefer the dreary morns.
She sings those melancholy love songs
while I scream tunes of rage and scorn.
She weeps and weeps upon my shoulder
and I must lift her spirits up.
For she still sees the glass half empty
when water fills but half the cup. |
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My Lady
Jun 26, 2011 15:56:38 GMT -5
Post by shiina on Jun 26, 2011 15:56:38 GMT -5
O.O That is SUPER pretty. I've never been much good at critiques, I lack the ability to pick apart a poem, and put my interpretations into words. I can't easily explain how a poem makes me feel, but I can say that I love the rhythm and flow of this. I definitely hear a story in it, and while some parts do feel to me like you had to force them, it doesn't seem like it took you too much effort to force them. It all went together very well, I love it.
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My Lady
Jun 26, 2011 19:03:34 GMT -5
Post by JohnyDarko on Jun 26, 2011 19:03:34 GMT -5
The last two lines are an instant classic. They are a great way to wrap up the fundamental differences between you and your 'lady'. The structure was solid as well.
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My Lady
Nov 7, 2011 13:01:26 GMT -5
Post by xunpredictablel on Nov 7, 2011 13:01:26 GMT -5
I loved this poem. It really had the perfect amount of rhyme, and it wasn't forced rhyme at all. Rather, it flowed perfectly and it was literally like a melody in my head. That's the most important part about rhyming poetry -- it's got to flow. And you definitely hit that nail on the head. The comparison between you and your lover was interesting, and although you mostly focused on the drastic contradictions between the two of you, the most intriguing part of it was there is still some underlying thing that's screaming about the harmony between you. It's almost like the two of you are yin and yang.
I'm not sure what else to say, but this poem definitely deserved some praise. Awesome job.
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