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Post by JohnyDarko on Jun 26, 2011 21:53:43 GMT -5
The only title I could possibly think of for this poem is 'Exposition' because it is so utterly personal to me that I feel like anything more would be impossible to write. I didn't want to sit down and wait for a 7 line poem with perfect form and rhyme to mold around my thoughts. I decided that i would sit down and just write it as pure as I could, but It flowed so freely, and so fluently that It came out of my head almost perfect in my opinion. I decided not to break rhyme in one place where I couldn't instantly write the next line, so I did have to force it a little, but just in the slightest way. This was simply the best writing experience I have had since I wrote my first poem for AH two years ago. But I don't want to get soft and think it is good all by myslef! So go tear it apart you monsters you ^^
Weeks go by, and things are changed. Thoughts are formed and rearranged. Muses are concrete; in liquid state, Flowing through me, shaping fate. The concrete hardens; leaves a shell, To which my soul bid Farwell When looked at closely, nothings’ changed I am still just thoughts, rearranged But I am not bound by muses now I’ve solved the puzzle; here’s how My needs are not these fleeting wants Shiny toys and call girl taunts They are not musings that come and go Nor are they things I didn’t know I’ve seen them there this whole time Hiding between every rhyme I simply want a love that’s real The kind that ‘normals’ just can’t feel The kind of love that says it all And says it while it’s fetching ball I am still me, but I feel changed. I have the same feelings, but rearranged.
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Post by Whimsical||MUSE; on Jun 26, 2011 22:12:11 GMT -5
I have to take a breath before my excitement starts to run ahead of my fingers and things get all jumbled up in a mess. To say that I loved this poem is an understatement -- to say that I feel like you've reached a conclusion, a climax in your writing is also an understatement. I can't quite describe how reading this makes me feel: excitement, pleasure, hope (so much hope), happiness. In each line there is this sense of assurance that has been missing in your poetry for a while -- not confidence or pride, but a sense of self that didn't weigh as light as feather.
In this, you're grounded, and I can feel your roots almost pulsing as they dig deeper into soil. The beginning is a little too choppy -- you've placed a few semis and commas and periods in places where I feel that there shouldn't be: but even in this it feels purposeful, almost as if it shouldn't be changed. Perhaps the beginning should be as contained as it is. It gives it a sense of breaking free that I just love to read over and over. It's like your excitement is bubbling upward, and these feelings you want to pour out just keep on coming. I don't know if you've noticed but half way, or even a little ealier, you cease to use punctuation of any sort, and it just flows faster and faster -- reaching this climax that is just ... brilliant!
These words are heavy, but there is a light-heartedness to them, a feeling that I get when I read it, that tells me everything is going to be okay. You are changed, but it's not so scary -- it's not the nightmare you've imagined it would be. There's no other way to describe: it's much like a sense of paradise glimpsed through the shutters -- a moment of enlightenment when everything was just cast in shadow.
The repetition used with the word "rearranged" is perhaps a little over played, but again, there is purity in this poem, something that just tugs at my gut saying it could never be the same if you change the word, if you rearrange it any other way. It is perfect in it's imperfection -- it is, truly, brilliant sunlight pooling in your hands.
Perhaps you've been missing something and it's come back, or acceptance, no matter how easy the word is to say, has finally made its way through into your very soul. Either way, this piece has quickly climbed the ladder to being one of my absolute favorites by you -- there is pain here, for sure, but it's the kind of pain that comes with healing, and I'm glad. So glad ^^
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Post by JohnyDarko on Jun 26, 2011 22:15:31 GMT -5
:,)
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Post by shiina on Jun 26, 2011 22:36:59 GMT -5
...I gasped. That isn't to be taken lightly. I know I like nearly everything I read, but this just... Wow, John. Just wow. There's such a sense of true emotion in this, it's amazing. I'd be jealous, but it's too pure for that. I highly doubt you got that from Brockwell's class. I... I'm speechless. I can't say anything more.
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Post by JohnyDarko on Jun 27, 2011 18:28:47 GMT -5
I know someone wants to comment on the content and try to tell me what it says :3 anyone? I want to see who gets it. Anyone? Alicia put your hand down, we know you get it
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Post by Whimsical||MUSE; on Jun 27, 2011 19:23:43 GMT -5
>>
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Post by grgur on Jun 28, 2011 3:26:08 GMT -5
This could be the best poem I've read in years, by anyone, not just Panda This must have been hell'a hard to write, to me is displays so much emotion to want to change things, I would never be able to write something that deep. Well done, amazing.
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Post by JohnyDarko on Jul 1, 2011 21:15:41 GMT -5
If you want, go ahead ^^ everyone else has had a chance
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